AWAKE! SEPTEMBER 2013
APPEARED IN
HELP FOR THE FAMILY | MARRIAGE
How to Forgive
THE CHALLENGE
When you and your spouse argue, you often bring up
the past, rehashing a list of old grievances that should have been
settled long ago. The problem? One or both of you may not know how to
forgive.
You can learn. First, though, consider why a husband and wife may find it so difficult to forgive each other.
WHY IT HAPPENS
Power. Some husbands and wives
withhold forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their spouse.
Then, when a conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to
gain the upper hand.
Resentment. The scars of a past offense can take a long time to heal. A spouse might say ‘I forgive you’ but still harbor resentment for what happened—perhaps craving to get even.
Disappointment. Some people enter
marriage fully believing that life will be like a fairy-tale romance.
So when a disagreement arises, they dig in their heels, wondering just
how their “perfect match” could possibly see things from a different
point of view. Unrealistic expectations can make a person more prone to
find fault and less inclined to forgive.
Misunderstanding. Many spouses withhold forgiveness because they misunderstand what extending it will mean. For example:
If I forgive, I am minimizing the wrong.
If I forgive, I have to forget what happened.
If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment.
Really, forgiving does not imply any of the foregoing. Still, extending forgiveness can be difficult—especially in the close relationship between husband and wife.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Understand what forgiveness involves. In
the Bible, at times the word “forgive” means “let go.” So forgiveness
does not always require that you forget what happened or minimize the
wrong. Sometimes it means that you simply need to let go of a matter,
for your own well-being and that of your marriage.
Recognize the consequences of not forgiving. Some
experts say that holding on to resentment can put you at greater risk
for a wide range of physical and emotional problems, including
depression and high blood pressure—not to mention the damage it
does to your marriage. For good reason, the Bible says: “Become kind to
one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another.”—Ephesians 4:32.
Recognize the benefits of forgiving. A
spirit of forgiveness allows you and your mate to give each other the
benefit of the doubt rather than to “keep score” of wrongs. That, in
turn, helps you to create an environment that keeps resentment in check
and allows love to grow.—Bible principle: Colossians 3:13.
Be realistic. It is easier to
be forgiving when you accept your spouse for who he or she is, flaws and
all. “When you focus on what you didn’t get, it’s too easy to forget
all of what you did get,” says the book Fighting for Your Marriage. “Which list do you want to dwell on at this point in life?” Remember, no one is perfect—including you.—Bible principle: James 3:2.
Be reasonable. The next time
you are offended by something that your spouse said or did, ask
yourself: ‘Is the situation really that important? Do I need to demand
an apology, or can I just overlook what happened and move on?’—Bible principle: 1 Peter 4:8.
If necessary, discuss the matter. Calmly
explain what offended you and why it made you feel that way. Do not
impute bad motives or make dogmatic statements, since these will only
put your spouse on the defensive. Instead, simply relate how your
spouse’s actions affected you.
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